Our Favorite Baby “B’s” of Attachment
Attach? What? How?
We have Dr. William Penton Sears, the world’s leading pediatrician, to thank for coining the term “Attachment Parenting.” This style of parenting used to not need a formal “name” because it is was so widely being practiced around the world, but in westernized society a name has emerged. As Dr. Sears attempted to answer parenting questions in the early days of his practice, he realized he had a lot to learn. The parenting books at the time seemed insufficient with little evidence to support the advice. After years of researching, asking questions of parents he encountered in his medical practice, and having 8 children of his own he ended up with a lot to say! The families he saw thriving seemed to follow a few of the principles I’ll share with you today.
I love his ideas on the baby “B’s” of attachment parenting from his book, The Baby Book. At Journey Well we support many of these principles. We want you to know your child well, and enjoy parenting, and we believe that you are the expert because you know your baby best. Here are a few tips from The Baby Book that we hope you find helpful. If they don’t resonate with you, that’s ok! You are the parent and you know your family and baby best!
Birth Bonding-Connect with your Baby Early. Take an active role in planning and orchestrating the birth you want. Take a modern and research-based childbirth education course. We recommend Birth Boot Camp Courses-which are coming soon to McPherson Kansas! Work out your hopes and birthing philosophy with your doctor. A difficult birth that requires separation from your baby makes things more challenging to start. The first 24 hours and the early weeks are a crucial and sensitive time of bonding, breastfeeding and attachment. While birth can be unpredictable, being educated about the processes of birth and different scenarios you may encounter can help you make a plan for early connection with your baby even when circumstances don’t go exactly as you thought they would.
Belief in Your Baby’s Cries-Read and Respond to Your Baby’s Cues. It can be challenging to figure out this new little person, but your baby was made to help you learn. “Babies come wired with attaching-promoting behaviors,” says Dr. Sears (Sears p.6). These behaviors help draw you to your baby and to meet her needs. Your part is to be open and responsive to these cues. Pick your baby up whenever she cries and even better before she has to. Crying is communication and it is also a very late hunger cue. Be leery of advice to let your baby cry. A baby not responded to does not become a “good” baby (though they may shut down and become quiet), she can actually become a discouraged and a stressed baby (there are actual brain studies on this now). Your baby’s cry was meant to bother you so you will respond. “The blood flow to the area of a mothers brain that controls nurturing behavior would increase, as would blood flow to her breasts (Sears p.6). Your baby’s cries are a powerful tool to ensure her survival, development, and communication to the attaching centers of both parents’ brains. Responding to your baby’s needs is laying the foundation for their future attachments as they learn to trust their care providers. Early feeding cues are also very important to learn. When a baby begins to move her head from side to side, moving her tongue or thrusting it, and bringing her fists towards her face, this is the time to get ready to feed, not when baby is getting overwhelmed and has to cry to get your attention. Of course crying is going to happen and that’s ok! Just keep being responsive, respond to those early cues, and remember the incredible brain building that’s happening each time you lovingly respond to those cues!
Breastfeed Your Baby. Choose as a couple to breastfeed, having support is so important! There are magnificent benefits of breastfeeding for baby and for mother. Your mother’s intuition grows each time hormones are released when you breastfeed. These hormones help you attach, love, and respond to your baby as well as help make mothering easier. The benefits are too numerous to list here but you can join our Journey Well monthly support group to learn more or read The Womenly Art of Breastfeeding.
Babywearing-Carry Your Baby ALOT. Other cultures have figured out that baby wearing is good for baby and just makes life easier, according to Dr. Sears’ research. It’s the best baby item you can buy! The research shows that carried babies cry less and a baby learns so much in the arms of a parent. Baby can go anywhere and do anything!
Bedding Close to Baby. How your family chooses to sleep when the baby arrives is a very personal and often cultural decision. What we know for sure is that new parents are very sleepy and it is important to create a plan for safe sleeping. Aim to have your baby close at sleep time, in the same room with you is best for at least the first six months. Early responding to baby is a lot easier if baby is close to her parents. Remember that couches and chairs are the least safe places to sleep with baby. We highly recommend a book put out by La Leche League International called Sweet Sleep.
Balance and Boundaries. You do not need to become a slave to attachment parenting. That can result in burnout! Ask your partner or family for help and remember that attaching is important for Dad too! Buy Dr. Sears’ book to help you balance your needs with baby’s needs. Attaching is very joyful but not always the easiest way to go and as you grow and mother you will begin to learn your limits. Sometimes this new normal looks different than you expected and envisioned. When I felt worn out, I knew I could take a short break between nursing sessions and even that quick refresh was helpful.
Beware of Baby Trainers. You are vulnerable to all kinds of advice when you have just had a baby. Detachment advice is pervasive in our American culture and might be thrown at you a lot! “Get her on a schedule”, “Why are you still nursing?” “Let her cry it out,” or “feed, wake, sleep” etc.” Dr. Sears likes to say, “Baby training is a lose-lose situation, baby loses trust in the signal value of her cues, and parents lose trust in their ability to read and respond to baby’s cues.” (Sears p.9) Attachment parenting is based on sensitivity. Attachment parenting can help you get to know your baby better verses making baby “more convenient.” I was very confused about all of this as a new mom. As I dug deep to find my God given instincts, I learned to trust myself and my baby. I also sought support from resources with evidence based research, and with a breastfeeding mothers perspective in mind. It wasn’t always easy, it meant that our family began to do things differently than others, it wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be like before I had kids. But eventually attachment parenting became a thing I did without even realizing I was doing it, and it was a beautiful journey! At Journey Well we love coming alongside mothers on this transformative journey of parenting and we want to come alongside you. We believe in you!
Sears, W., & Sears, M. (2003). The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two.